The big 30.

birthday-candles

As of tonight, my last year in my 20’s will be officially over. As I prepare to say goodbye to what I consider to be a landmark decade, I am cascading with an array of emotions. It dawned on my today that in my last year as a “20 something”, I have been a bit of a shit. I allowed way to many people to question who I am and rather than rising over those challenges, I stooped to levels I’m not proud of. These people I speak of, just got the best of me, they tested my friendships, my loyalty, my marriage and my ability to keep my mouth shut. I should have just said screw it and moved on but I sat in a pool of resentment for a year and I have to admit, I’m not proud of that. In hindsight, it was a waste. A complete waste of my energy. So in realizing this, I am making an oathe to cut that shit out as of today and start this new year fresh, let the past go and move the fuck on.

However, even with all that, this year I also grew a tremendous amount. With the loss of old friendships, came room for some really fantastic ones. I joined The Roasters, a running group based out of Yarmouth filled with people who may not believe it but changed my life. I met my friend and training partner, Allison, who I trained with all summer and helped me cross the finish line of the BAA Half Marathon. I had an overall fantastic year of running, averaging anywhere from 20-40 miles a week, with only a few hiccups in between. (Those miles helped me run almost 20 races this year, two being half marathons) Miles started daycare with a virtually flawless transition. Emma has grown up to be a beautiful eight year old. My annual Harvest Party was more perfect than the last. My husband and I went to Italy and I discovered a place I could most definitely call home. But most importantly, I found peace with living in Maine. I found friends I truly love and adore. I have fallen in love with our home and the landscape surrounding my life. I came to terms with a rather large loss I encountered almost two years ago. And I’m healthy. I’m really really healthy.

I remember when I first met my husband Josh, the span of my life was something we actually had to factor in. Should we move forward knowing there may not be a tomorrow for me? Imagine that kind of weight on your shoulders when you have found the love of your life. It was terribly daunting. My heart is something that I have faced battles with since I was fifteen. And as I got older each year and my condition worsened each year, I continually braced myself for the inevitable, long sleep, taking heed to notice every little thing, as it may be my last. Two years ago, with the shocking loss of someone I was once very close to, I decided to own my mortality and just move forward. I made the decision to stop being afraid and do the things I want to do, running being at the top of my list. After finally dropping the weight the doctor had asked me to for a long time and making the alterations to my life to live a more healthy existence, and of course, a dramatic change of attitude, I was greeted last year at my annual visit with a virtually clean bill of health. Now, obviously, this is something that I will always live with but by virtually clean bill of health I mean: I can sleep without worrying, I can laugh without pain, I can embrace that my body is stronger than it has EVER been and I don’t have to kiss my kids goodnight thinking it may be the last time. I’ve put in the hard work, I have believed in myself and my body is handing me a reward. So, no, I’m not going to be afraid of 30. I may not be happy about it. I may fear my tits sagging to the floor. I may look in the mirror every thirty seconds for wrinkles. But that’s all relative. I can live with that shit. Because I can believe that there will be another fantastic decade and hopefully a few more behind it as well.

Today I thank EVERY person who has helped me move mountains this year. And every person who stood by me during my sometimes yucky, precarious, over the top, obnoxious, 20’s. There were some royal screw ups in there but there was also, quite a bit of magic.

I approach 30 with hope and delight. And I promise to be a little less disgruntled in this new decade. Life truly is to short to let the haters crawl up your ass. Too many good folks to focus on. Too many. 🙂

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