Happy Friday everyone! It’s been a long and busy week. I’m about to cap it off with dinner at a friend’s house this evening, one last long run in the early AM and time with the kiddos since Josh is off to celebrate the last of Adam’s single life. But first, let’s dig right in to Jenny Mo’s rules to live by. The only comprehensive life list you will ever need. And, if you don’t entirely agree, then at least have a chuckle.
1. Never ever ever ever ever ever ever under any circumstances wear sneakers with jeans. It creates an unkempt, lazy, terrifying look that I just can’t process. It’s like looking at the sun. There are a multitude of other items you can wear in their place: flip-flops, clogs, boots, heels (although, I’m not down with that). Especially don’t be that girl with jeans that don’t quite hit the floor, paired with white sneakers, then I just might hit the ground in a full-blown anxiety attack.
2. When in the presence of men (and we have discussed this rule prior), do not talk about the following: zits, farting, pooping, your vagina and or any problems it may or may not be having, boogers, etc. Try to keep a sort of feminine exterior. Even if you’re married or in a serious relationship, you still want men to think of you as a woman, so don’t go grossing them out with all that noise.
3. Always bring Vueve to a party. Doesn’t matter if the hostess drinks champagne or not. And yes, it may cost anywhere from $39-$59 but there are so many pros: you look like a baller, it compliments your outfit and if he/she opens it up, you bet your ass they are sharing with the one who brought it.
4. Never bring a bottle of wine to someone’s home that costs less than $15.00. I don’t feel like I need to explain myself, just don’t do it.
5. Don’t ever tell a woman how to cook in her own kitchen. In my home, I rule the kitchen roost. In your home, you rule the kitchen roost. If I want to take a dump on the food I’m about to serve you, you better just shut up about it. The only exception is if you are going to someone’s home and you genuinely don’t like what they are serving. Have a frank discussion about that before hand. No reason to eat something you hate. But otherwise, shut the fuck up.
6. Groom yourself well. I have days when I just want to wear yoga pants and so, I do. However, you have to remember that your husband/boyfriend/fiancé does not want to sleep with someone sporting hair that may or may not have a dead animal in it. If you look like something that was just caught in a drain, service yourself. Make a point to do your hair, wear makeup and dress up at least 5 days a week. Give yourself one or two lounge days. If you do indeed, have a dead animal living in your mess of hair, get it out of there.
7. NO WORKOUT SELFIES. Oh my gooooooooooooooooood. I am so tired of people posting workout selfies on Facebook. It creates a type of rage brand new to my body. I want to fling my phone across the room. If you are super proud of yourself, post something passive aggressive like I usually do concerning your workout and move on. No one wants or needs to see your sweat dripping, red, exhausted, nasty exterior.
8. No serving cheese balls at a party. What, you can’t cut up some fucking cheese?!? Cut up some cheese. Put out some crackers. Maybe get a hunk of salami, is this shit really that hard? When people drink, they want to eat. You want a successful party? Then feed people.
9. Surround yourself with people who applaud your fabulous behavior. I’ve heard people in the past mention that I make them feel as though they have to be perfect all the time. If people can’t handle the way you live your life, then don’t let them in your circle. There is nothing wrong with striving to be the best. Don’t let anyone make you feel badly for doing so. Surround yourself with brilliant people, you will be better for it.
10. Don’t give a woman cookies at the end of your date. I heard someone talking about this at the florist yesterday and I almost lost MY cookies. If you like a woman, kiss her at the end of the date. No nonsense. Men are men for a reason. It’s time to saddle up boys. If you don’t act the part, you won’t get treated the part.
There you have it everyone. My top ten rules to live by. You may be ending this thinking: “Yea, cheers!” or you may be thinking: “What a snooty bitch.” Either way, go do something fabulous for yourselves this weekend. Run 10 miles. Buy a designer dress. Burn your sneakers that you usually wear with jeans. Whatev.