I’ve been doing a lot of “self-discovery” lately. Running miles alone on the road with no one to talk to, I drift away into a place of solitude, where my mind is free to wander into new corners I usually don’t venture. There has been much change in my world as of lately. I have really peeled the layers off privately to reveal what I think, is the truth. I have always been the type of person to hold on to only a few good friends. Like 7. Why so few? Because I never used to put up with anyone who made me feel like I should be ashamed of the person I am. Whenever anyone shadowed my presence with that sort of judgement, I let them go and quickly. Once you are gone, you are gone. Because why should I be tripping over my personality? Why should I second guess the spirit that so many people have fallen in deep deep love with? I let go of that for a little while. Desperate to find a filler for the void that entered me in Maine. But recently I have discovered that a phone call and time well spent with those far away, gives me just as much as I need. So I have returned my friends. I am ready to own it like I once did. This personality, helped me to find the friendships I treasure right now, more than anything else. And these girls (and boy, Mr. Joseph) are my soul mates.
Let’s be honest. I’m loud. I’m strong. I’m hostile to those I don’t care for. I don’t like laziness. I don’t like people who treat my sport (running) like a here and there boyfriend. I don’t tolerate disrespect. If you are not loyal, I don’t want you. I am opinionated. Easily aggravated. I don’t tolerate people who aren’t intelligent. And if you can’t formulate a good sentence I will probably make fun of you. Behind your back, to your face and to anyone I feel agrees with me. I’m a little too much. Sometimes I’m not enough. And when I need a break from people, I just stop answering their phone calls. I give too much, too soon, too often. I am self-less when I should be selfish. And I’m sure the list of my faults could go on forever, but how about yours? I’m not afraid to admit to who I am and maybe that’s the issue people have with me. Do I make you feel uncomfortable? Do I make you feel like a failure because you won’t risk it and I will? Does that mean I deserve to be pulled apart, removed, torn down under a microscope? I should hope not. And that’s the barren, nasty, cold-hearted, truth. You either enjoy me or you don’t. And if you don’t, peace out my friend, I’ve got lots of people who do.
This is one of life’s great struggles. Outgrowing people. Like I said above, I have 7 friends that I have known between 4-15 years a piece. Some of them know each other. A couple have never met. Some of them straight up don’t like one another and have voiced it to me pretty openly. What’s my response? Tough. I mean, I’ll listen to what you have to say. But it’s my job to juggle all the personalities I choose to surround myself with and make sure they work in harmony all the time. That’s my job. Because these people accept me as I am and I won’t let any one of them go and I won’t let any one of them step out of line. If you want it all, you have to do the work. Every person I give myself to has nursed me through the very worst things that have happened in my life. They have seen me fall and picked me back up. They’ve listened to me cry. And rant. And they’ve put up with my times of much-needed quiet, waiting patiently for me to come back around again. Some of them I divorced for a while, we needed it, but we both knew, we’d get back together again.
This isn’t meant to influence anyone. I’m not trying to make anyone mad. I’m just a grown ass woman admitting grown ass things. Life is filled with difficult decisions. And this is just one of the many. People are like flowers, they come, they go, some die, some you dry out and preserve, some you want to keep beautiful forever. I’m finally at the point where I’m ready to admit that it’s over. And commit to those who make me laugh, lift me up, bring me to my knees in sheer delight and accept this ridiculous person just as I am.
I urge you all to think about life’s great questions, struggles, acceptances on this snowy, breathtaking day. We’re all in transition. And life is short. So do what you want when you want. And don’t do what you don’t want to do. Period.